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I see now, that what I was doing, is tumbling along guessing. Maybe I still didn't know better, or I didn't know at all, or I didn't trust enough.

What I need to do, is open myself up and listen, not push when I think its the time, but wait for the right moment.

It is not a coincidence that when I get hazy because I am sleepy but don't sleep, it is easier to think in abstract patterns, those ones that I can't quite visualise or hear, but they're somewhat capable of being tasted.

In my mouth.

Nothing he says is untrue, eventually.

I do understand my purpose now, and I see that Her is ready and listening and applying, and in turn I am strong and capable and unmoved by what - some years ago - would cause quite strong emotional turmoils.

I am stronger.

Because I am stronger, I can help better. I can clarify more sharply, more accurately.

I can help the ones, for whom it is too painful to dig, so I can ever-so-gently help them dig.

But.

Where am I in all this?

This surely can't be the dead end of my own?

I am ready, Sleeper... I think...

I know what are the more physical things to attend to, and yes I am attending to them.

What else?

 

Wait.

0451

I think, this time around, it changed permanently.

Usually, as you may know if you read this from beginning - there are phases, cycles, to the intensity of communication (communion) with the Sleeper and my inner self.

Usually, this is a result, post-effect of concentrated work, suffering, attempting to modify the present state to turn it into something better.

The Sleeper manifests itself together with visions and premonitions of new tattoo and that huge urge to get myself inked.

Then...

Things get learned.

I change.

And Sleeper goes to silence.

Or, I forget he's there.

This time, its different.

It feels, almost, like I've been given cheat codes to life.

When he is around, it is as if the reality of my day is simply pregnant with his presence, everywhere. Its as if he is bursting right out of me, another person walking in lockstep, but out of phase and seeing things in all the ways they can possibly be at any point in time.

As if he sees the waves, all the chances, probabilities - before they collapse into particles and take that one inevitable eventuality.

Right now, he doesn't speak. Then again, he never speaks, but only responds when asked.

So I ask, here and there, when I need I'd like an answer.

With known terseness and conviction, he always answers.

He is yet to be wrong.

There is just too many questions I asked, very directed, very concrete about what is going to happen, and the answer always landed on a correct plane.

 

The thing is... I am learning, as of tonight, that this is slowly turning into a sort of a crutch.

When some emotion hits, a disturbance or turbulence because of an important Event in the future, and I feel uneasy because outcomes of this event have potential to hurt me (even if I know that hurt is good!), I can't but ask...

And he answers.

I realize, even if answer isn't always what I'd like it to be - or worse, if I don't understand why is the answer what it is, even if I like it - it makes it somewhat simpler because I have time to prepare for that future, for that evolution of events.

Now I am torn, because I have to think.

This voice, the Sleeper, it wasn't always there. It evolved over time, to be what it is.

But if its becoming my crutch, then isn't this an obstacle towards evolution?

Because at the end of the day - I should not know answers to questions which are irrelevant. Even if those questions produce events which end up being painful, this is important:

evolve through torment.

 

So through thinking, I wonder - is he here because his purpose isn't to help me, but to help me get entangled with people who need help?

Because, when I think about it - every answer, every crossroad, every choice - led me towards (or away from) somebody, and whoever I end up being pulled towards to, inevitably ended up being someone who hurts me, and someone who walks away from me changed.

 

Summer is coming.

Abigail is ready.

I can feel the fire in me waking up.

Maybe, this is another summer when I evolve.

Maybe, this is the summer when I die.

When all you are is nothing...

...there is nothing left to cast a shadow.

 It rings in my ears all day long.

I gauge the time between impulse and reaction, and I think, I am stronger. More stable.

I spot little events lining up, guiding me towards correct choices. Of course - I engage and let them shape these choices.

The other day, I can't remember if I was asleep or awake, but I heard him talking to me.

I must've asked something, but I don't remember what.

I am pretty sleepy lately.

Whatever I asked, he answered...

 

In the grand scale of things, for you, she is inconsequential.

Her being around isn't as consequential for you, as it is for Her.

This ran in my mind so much that on few moments - despite feeling really happy lately - I've considered ending things.

Having someone love me, feels nice.

Someone hold me exactly the way I like to be held. Nice.

Look at me with those big eyes and take Her place, while making space for me to take mine.

Nice.

But not consequential.

I miss the haze of summer days, never fully awake.

Never fully asleep.

In lockstep with my own path.

 

Its nice.

But feels off.

Fuck this damage

Back to where I grew up.

Feels like I stepped into miasma; the choking started almost immediately as I stepped out of the airport.

This place is bad for me.

I always felt its bad for me, but only when I broke free and managed to (re)build my life, those two decades backwards, I can see it for what it truly is.

Or not.

Or not?

Maybe it is me who is reacting overly aggressively to it. Maybe there is nothing wrong with this place, with its people, with anything about it. Maybe - it is all in my head.

But I can't.

I just can't.

Every day feels like a fight.

Every friend I see, feels like an escape, an attempt to just kill the time until I finally leave.

Why did I come back?

I say - its because of my mother, so that she gets to enjoy me being there. But I am almost never there.

...

I have stopped for over 30 seconds now, pondering over that question.

Why did I come back?

I call out to him.

Sleeper.

"Yes?"

But then I stop.

He might have an answer, alright, but this would be lazy of me. I can't rely on him all the time, for all the answers I'd like to know.

I have the tools, I know how to use them, I can't be lazy. I need to work this out by myself.

Why did I come back?

I don't know.

 

There is distance between me and Her. It could all be in my head, but I don't think its just in my head. By now, I've gotten pretty good radar for that, and I can't put my finger on it again, but today - something was off.

I was off, for sure - but then that made her go off.

She didn't understand what I was saying, and I can't quite conclude whether we called the end of the conversation because this is what I asked for, or because that's what she wanted.

To not converse about difficult topics, and to wait until I am home to talk.

But what if I need my person to talk to me when I am in distress, not when I am not?

This thought is burrowing around my head.

For some reason, I felt disappointment, and now I feel distance.

 

I remember calling out to Sleeper to figure out what is going on, and he said "It is over."

I don't know what that means. I assumed it means, we are over. Me and Her.

But now, I am wondering, does it mean that the honeymoon is over?

Does it mean that whatever we had, this mad burst of emotion I felt for her - is over?

Somehow, the mere fact that she didn't take interest in my distress and tried to help me, is burrowing inside me like a wrong thing. It is past midnite and I am waiting for her to get home to talk to her a bit, but all I really want to do is go to bed and not talk to her. Thing is, I don't feel safe enough to say that - thinking, this'll get her running again, and while I can deal with this easily once I'm in my good place - I have far, far, far too much stress on my shoulders right now to deal with this.

Which leads me on to the next thought, materializing as I write this.

Am I being who I am not when with her?

I don't think so. I am who I am. I don't feel like I'm working, I feel - happy!

Some of her quirks require work and understanding, yes, but she puts the same effort - our culture is quite different, we don't know each other, and there's a lot of emotion going around, already.

While I was in Montreal, we were burning for each other. Talking and chatting all day long. Talking in the evening.

With 2h difference - it was easy.

With 8h difference, this is much harder.

So.

I have all the stress of being back here, and I don't even know why did I decide to come back here, when I can remember very well being as stressed last time. Did I forget?

I now have a stress of feeling her pulling away (or feeling me pulling away), and I am sort of frantically searching my brain to find some anchor, or a shred of strength to hold on to before talking with Her because I think - any other option leads to unhappy scenarios.

I can deal with her bad days and still keep feelings for her.

I don't think she can.

Not yet, at least.

Will she ever?

...

Another thirty seconds, pondering this question. This time, I'm observing my heartbeat and it feels heavy.

Things will happen as they may.

Whatever happens, whether I want it or not - it will be good for me.

I grow in suffering.

I repeat these things because they anchor me, and right now I feel stuck in wild waters as waves crashing down keep stealing my breaths.

I.

Grow.

In.

Suffering.

If she leaves, that is suffering. Because I have a lot of feelings for Her.

If she leaves, Sleeper was lying. I know he wasn't wrong. The way she feels, boy, it really feels like my soulmate.

But I already felt like this, with another one, and she broke my heart.

If Her leaves, she will break my heart.

Just thinking about it, feels awful.

...

If she leaves, and Sleeper is right again, on both fronts - it means he did this to me, for some reason.

...

Or maybe...

This is my insecure attachment style jumping back ahead at me, because its so easy for it to pop its head out when I'm not strong enough to keep it in check.

 

Fuck this damage.

Fuck this damage!

FUCK THIS DAMAGE!

FUCK YOU!

I am STRONGER than this.

I WILL persist, you WON'T!

I can feel things, and still act the way I will myself into action.

If I fail, it is OK, because everything will wire itself up again,
not the way I want it,
only the way I need it,
but sometimes those two are the same.

Fuck this damage.

Fuck this damage and who ever caused it.

But I get now why I came back.

So that I realize that I didn't heal some things, at least not properly - I just shoved them under the carpet, and when I'm weak, they'd find their way out.

So its better I realize them NOW, and figure out how to heal them NOW, rather than have them pop out sometime later, when its worse and I have no clue what is going on.

Ah, jesus hell.

My heart hurts.

Like, really, hurts.

I need to figure this out and fix it.

Fix it once and for all, and maybe fucking finally have a healthy relationship.

Another cycle, another chapter

I think, I am entering another cycle.

There isn't much in me that makes me think or digest events.

There is nothing to ponder or write about.

Usually, what I write, flows naturally, as if its not a conscious choice of picking words.. as if its not me who is writing it, but it just pours out on its own.

I recognize the beginning of another cycle because I am empty, and if I have evolved - if what I've learned is an evolution - then, it is integrated into my existence for the next cycle.

I can recognize some changes.

I see my fire co-existing alongside my understanding of social mannerisms. It is not drowned any more, or suppressed - it is there, and I let it rip through as an intrinsic, integral part of me.

This, in turn, makes me feel at peace. More complete, than I was.

Her is here, in my life, as Sleeper predicted she would be.

It took some time for her to open up, but she is. When she looks at me, I see love in her eyes, and I know - because she told me - that she kept pulling back because everything was happening too fast, and she's afraid.

I had these weeks to show her that what she sees - is what she gets, so we're a thing now. There's deep connection already, and I love my time with her.

And she loves her time with me.

I am pretty sure she also simply, on some foundational level - just loves me.

I should probably be more surprised/flabbergasted by this but somehow - the concept of the Sleeper is so deeply integrated into my existence now, that I accept this as self-evident.

What is different, is that I am acutely aware of all the things I need/want to go through that are unrelated to her.

This, also, is new.

New me, I suppose?

I am attempting to maintain relationships with everyone. I am trying to be kind to all my friends, I regularly write to them and talk about nonsense. Sometimes, I make schedule for myself so that I do not forget - but I am also very well aware that I will need, at one point in time, to go and meet complete strangers again, and just have shared experiences with them.

Not like, sex or intimacy - but an adventure.

An event.

I think, for a time being, until the slingshot starts pulling back again, I will have nothing to say and leave this at peace.

I pray that I will recognize when the pulling starts so I know where I am.

Sleeper is mute as well. He still answers when I ask, but somehow - I have no need to ask, because everything I asked for past 3-4 weeks has been utterly inconsequential.

"Should I tell her how I feel about her?" - "Yes, you should."

Stupid stuff like that.

I ask, I get an answer, but immediately I am again acutely aware - in a grand scale of things, does it really matter?

All this... it has all been outside of my control, except ability to accept it or reject it.

I never saw any reason to reject things, because pain is a terrible reason to reject experiences, and fear is even worse.

Wanting things to happen is just the other side of the coin of not wanting things to happen.

So in a flash all this runs through my head, and it ends with what it starts with - does it really matter?

 

It doesn't.

Things will happen the best way, for the things that are most important to me - even when I forget what is most important to me.

Pain is inevitable.

I may die at any moment.

Am I more likely to die, because of how I live my life?

Does it really matter?

 

Accept, accept, accept.

Accept.

Things will happen as they may, the way that is the best for me.

If I don't write ever again, likely, I am dead.

If I do - I am sure I am going to learn a whole lot of about how I was wrong, and just thinking about this makes me so giddy that I almost can't wait.

 

Either way - prospects of a future seem very, very positive.

Shallow breaths

This existence... where I am attempting my best to move the wires want me to move... where I am striving, as much as I am capable, to reject and extinguish my own desire to interject, to meddle, to rewire things the way my mind would like them to...

It seems its making things speed up.

Events, that happen, resemble breathing more and more.

There's swelling, and many things come all at once.

I engage.

Then they all go, they stop, they disappear, they turn dark... leaving me empty inside, sometimes disappointed, sometimes sad, sometimes confused... sometimes, even afraid.

But if I push, and I try hard to not meddle when I want to meddle the  most - it all cleans itself out within a day or two, and I am back in balance, and I am happy with how things are.

And then new Events start.

 

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

Breathing in.

Breath out.

The fabric of existence is moving as its taking breaths,
and I think I am in sync with it.

 

I am attempting to live this way for far too short to be able to make any serious observation.

I think, my mind has attached, and is attaching knowing concepts for mechanisms I am unable to comprehend, or perceive.

Inner working systems I can't see.

But if I try really hard... I can almost taste them.

This is the reason I say this:

Everything is becoming easier.

As everything is becoming easier,
everything is coming into view,
everything is becoming known.

It is not that I am seeing things before they happen... it is that I, somehow, know there is no other possible way these things would eventually play out, the only difference being - how long.

How long until they all play out exactly this way.

How long until I inevitably feel the way I will feel, and inevitably transform into whoever I am going to be.

This used feel scary - now, I just dance along.

The energy wedges/slingshot question doesn't even pop in my head any more... maybe I am wrong, maybe there is a way to meddle with the wiring, but I don't care any more. I have all the evidence, so far, that I need that not meddling is the optimal path to living (my own) life.

If energy wedges (created by dreams?) is a way to meddle with the true nature of existence - I don't think I need energy wedges.

Unless, this is all happening to make me stop looking, but I see evolution in me speeding up, and I decide to believe in benevolence of whoever these Systems are... the Sleeper, the Pupeteer, the Wire Creator... they seem to all have my best interests in mind.

Finally...

I feel it.

I can't explain it, but I feel, so strongly, that I am on the best path.

This is a lot coming from someone who doesn't feel many things.

 

Sleeper is still mute, but he is here - I can feel him.

I just think there's nothing to say, and I am not asking, because I am not uncertain about what am I supposed to be doing.

Sometimes, the overwhelming amount of things I see in the future feels like too much... it feels, naturally, overwhelming...

But.

I got this.

I got this.

I got this.

"I am working on it"

See... there's two ascensions here.

 

The first, simple one - its a fucking rollercoaster.

I didn't know if this would be meddling, attempting to rewire reality - but I decided, I shall ask to talk and explain myself.

So Her agreed and I put it as plainly as I can.

I like her.

When I like something, I burn until I am whole consumed.

I explain, I can't get naked with someone, unless I develop connection.

I say, I can't develop connection if I shield myself.

If I develop connection, feelings will follow.

I say, I have learned, over time, how not to close myself off and still deal with the stings... and when we're close, and affectionate, and then Her gets cold - it stings, like frost to the fire.

Finally I explain... I needed space, a day or two, to recompose myself.

She explains, in too many words, that I should just be happy, that we are not a couple, that if I can't deal with it, we can just be friends, etc etc etc...

I leave it be.

Then, in the morning, I wake up to a voice message.

The sweetest one.

A whole lot of things you said last night, were true. I don't know, its me. We spent so much time together, and I mean this in a positive way not a negative, that I think I freaked out.

I need to learn to be affectionate with us when we aren't around each other.

I appreciate you. Of course I think of you. I know with time, we will understand each other.

Have a good day Mr. Alien.

I miss you.

 

Twisty twists.

But here's a second ascension.

I think: what am I writing about? I write about what preoccupies me.

I look at the history and realize, quite few last posts are about women in my life. How they come, how they go, how they come and go, and how I react to them.

Is this what feeling the walls, uncovering mechanics of life is?

No - I don't think it is.

I think: major distraction.

I think: I caught it.

Somehow, all this came together in me and somehow -I think- focus on what's important came back.

To be truthful, it came back that same day when torment came; mere hours, I was out of it back on my path, with smile on my face. This isn't to say I wasn't attached to her, or not attached hard - it means, I'm getting better and better with letting go of attachment when I have to.

It means - maybe this ping-ponging, this yo-yoing is the greatest lessons Her is teaching me, on how to accept someone in my life but not make my life orbit around them.

It means, Her is teaching me how to unlearn the lesson I kept listening my whole youngling life, that without someone else life isn't worth living.

Curiously, I don't want to write about Her any more.

She is significant, but also in a way - insignificant.

My evolution may be related to Her, but isn't about Her.

I decide, I am going to use the instinct, the feeling, of what do I want to write - as a gauge of what is preoccupying me at the moment, and if preoccupation isn't one of a good torment, the one that pulls the slingshot backwards...

That is where I focus and let go first.

I mustn't lose track again.

Sleeper is mute.

Doesn't matter.

I think I got this.